Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Me and Anxiety

I went through a horrible phase of my life around few weeks ago and I can say that I am recovering at this moment, up till this sentence being written. It was unexpected but the thought of having severe anxiety is something I never imagined.

It all started with my eyelid became droopy on one fine day. On top of that I was having my lunch with my besties. I searched the symptom straight away and it resulted in wide range of differential diagnosis which eventually made my heart beat faster than normal. At the first week, few symptoms like palpitation, sweating, dizziness, stomachache and headache appeared. It was all due to I believe I was in grave danger because my eyelid wont be droopy for no reason.

I went to a GP for check up and I was told that my BP was normal and I have nothing to worry. Perhaps this condition is temporary but should I experience any other symptoms of facial muscle weakness, I must see doctor immediately. After a week, the droopy eyelid subsided. Alhamdulillah.

But that doesnt stop my brain fron worrying excessively. This time I had nothing to worry about but my symptoms worsen. I started having trouble to sleep because I had tachycardic everytime I got ready to sleep. I was thinking too much that I might not be able to wake up if I sleep. Too much isnt it? It was exhausting because I was doing nothing, in fact was already feeling sleepy but my heart raced so fast as if I was running my third lap in Taman Tasik Permaisuri, which in reality I never had it.

That was during night. During work, dizziness accompanied me everytime I move even during solat. Everytime I was asked to be cashier I would feel anxious because I was afraid I might fall down suddenly due to the dizziness. Alhamdulillah nothing happened because I kept telling myself nothing to worry.

Few weeks passed and I grew tired of having such unreasonable anxiety. I took DASS test just to check myself and the result came out stating I had severe anxiety. This time I stopped searching my symptoms and started to work on how to reduce my anxiety. I avoided caffeine at all cost even when I craved for Kopi Tarik Wonda Coffee and my beloved chocolate. Chocolate milk also is a big no to me and I am still having this kind of 'pantang' because after few experiments I found that the symptoms triggered by these two. I started consuming milk as milk helps me a lot to become relax so I took a glass every night before sleep and alhamdulillah it works. Currently I am able to sleep without taking it.

Other than that, I listened to my lullaby playlist which consist of piano tracks by Yiruma. Most importantly, I practiced one of Maathurat prayer (the one with the meaning of protect us from sorrow and anxious) and alhamdulillah it works. I hope I can istiqamah with it because I know for every disease that He gave to test us, there will always a way that He give to help us. Never lose hope in this one because nothing is impossible.

I know there are a lot of us fighting with this everyday. It is not a joke. I know how painful, how stressful it is everytime the anxiety came with no reason. Anxiety for ordinary people is something they can handle but for people like us, it took a great courage to overcome it. It took a big step for us to survive day by day with thought of something bad will happen. I still experience the attack sometimes but alhamdulillah so far I managed to cope with it.

To all anxiety survivors out there, you are not alone. My prayers and thought will always be with you and remember, Allah is always there to help us. Feel the love of Him everytime we get tested. May this bring us closer to Him, insha Allah =)