Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Me and Anxiety

I went through a horrible phase of my life around few weeks ago and I can say that I am recovering at this moment, up till this sentence being written. It was unexpected but the thought of having severe anxiety is something I never imagined.

It all started with my eyelid became droopy on one fine day. On top of that I was having my lunch with my besties. I searched the symptom straight away and it resulted in wide range of differential diagnosis which eventually made my heart beat faster than normal. At the first week, few symptoms like palpitation, sweating, dizziness, stomachache and headache appeared. It was all due to I believe I was in grave danger because my eyelid wont be droopy for no reason.

I went to a GP for check up and I was told that my BP was normal and I have nothing to worry. Perhaps this condition is temporary but should I experience any other symptoms of facial muscle weakness, I must see doctor immediately. After a week, the droopy eyelid subsided. Alhamdulillah.

But that doesnt stop my brain fron worrying excessively. This time I had nothing to worry about but my symptoms worsen. I started having trouble to sleep because I had tachycardic everytime I got ready to sleep. I was thinking too much that I might not be able to wake up if I sleep. Too much isnt it? It was exhausting because I was doing nothing, in fact was already feeling sleepy but my heart raced so fast as if I was running my third lap in Taman Tasik Permaisuri, which in reality I never had it.

That was during night. During work, dizziness accompanied me everytime I move even during solat. Everytime I was asked to be cashier I would feel anxious because I was afraid I might fall down suddenly due to the dizziness. Alhamdulillah nothing happened because I kept telling myself nothing to worry.

Few weeks passed and I grew tired of having such unreasonable anxiety. I took DASS test just to check myself and the result came out stating I had severe anxiety. This time I stopped searching my symptoms and started to work on how to reduce my anxiety. I avoided caffeine at all cost even when I craved for Kopi Tarik Wonda Coffee and my beloved chocolate. Chocolate milk also is a big no to me and I am still having this kind of 'pantang' because after few experiments I found that the symptoms triggered by these two. I started consuming milk as milk helps me a lot to become relax so I took a glass every night before sleep and alhamdulillah it works. Currently I am able to sleep without taking it.

Other than that, I listened to my lullaby playlist which consist of piano tracks by Yiruma. Most importantly, I practiced one of Maathurat prayer (the one with the meaning of protect us from sorrow and anxious) and alhamdulillah it works. I hope I can istiqamah with it because I know for every disease that He gave to test us, there will always a way that He give to help us. Never lose hope in this one because nothing is impossible.

I know there are a lot of us fighting with this everyday. It is not a joke. I know how painful, how stressful it is everytime the anxiety came with no reason. Anxiety for ordinary people is something they can handle but for people like us, it took a great courage to overcome it. It took a big step for us to survive day by day with thought of something bad will happen. I still experience the attack sometimes but alhamdulillah so far I managed to cope with it.

To all anxiety survivors out there, you are not alone. My prayers and thought will always be with you and remember, Allah is always there to help us. Feel the love of Him everytime we get tested. May this bring us closer to Him, insha Allah =)

Friday, March 17, 2017

" Dia tahu ubat apa saya makan,"

" Dik, bos takde ke?"
" Bos syif petang. Malam ni locum yang jaga," terangku.

" Akak nak ubat apa?"
" Ubat akak selalu bos tu bagi. Dia tahu ubat apa,"
" Oh, ubat untuk apa?"
" Darah tinggi dengan ubat saraf,"
" Ingat tak nama apa? Dos dia?"
" Tak, sebab selalu bos bagi. Dia tahu akak ambik ubat apa,"
" Membercard ada tak kak? Saya boleh check dalam system,"

Geleng.

Aku panggil miss untuk tolong dan dia pun tanya benda yang sama, juga dapat balasan yang sama. Tapi akhirnya miss prescribe ubat yang sesuai.

Sedihkan?

Mengingati segala info berkenaan diri sendiri bukanlah satu dosa dan dalam kes ni, akak ni hanya perlu ingat nama ubat je. Boleh dicatat, letak dalam dompet, ambil gambar dan sebagainya. Teknologi sekarang banyak manfaat untuk mudahkan manusia.

Ada pelanggan yang lebih berusia daripada dia dan setiap kali datang untuk top up bekalan ubat, dia bawa semua papan ubat yang dah habis makan untuk rujukan kami. Mudah kerja. Ada juga yang bawa senarai jadi bila sampai farmasi tak perlu terbelek-belek kami ubat apa yang nak dibagi.

Aku tak tahu kakak tu pernah terfikir tak kalau suatu hari nanti dia atau bos aku berpindah, macam mana dia nak dapatkan bekalan ubat? Macam mana doktor nak tolong kalau dia ke tempat lain yang terang terangan bos aku tak ada kat tempat tu?

Yes, aku kecewa. Maafkan aku sebab luahkan kekecewaan kat sini. Tapi aku takkan berhenti menulis perihal ni selagi ada yang tak peduli perihal diri sendiri.

Berhentilah bergantung pada manusia. Ubahlah mindset " takpe orang lain ada". Bukanlah satu dosa pun untuk ambil berat tentang diri sendiri, apatah lagi tubuh ni pinjaman sementara.

Monday, February 13, 2017

Masterchep

Aku buat roti telur untuk juadah berbuka hari ni, maksud aku juadah sebelum solat Maghrib, pastu baru makan nasi lauk-lauk gitu. Sedang aku goreng batch terakhir, mak datang menjenguk siapkan air untuk pak. Sambil tu aku cuitlah sikit nak rasa roti telur yang aku buat tu (aku tak puasa pun mak pak aku je yang puasa haha).

Then, mak tanya,

" Ok tak rasa dia?"
" Ok, sedap," Yakin sangat.

" Mak jangan lupa, masterchef Malaysia yang pertama doktor gigi tau, haha," kataku sebelum berlalu dari dapur.

" Hmpph," Mak tak layan pun hahaha~

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Lif

Dia menggagahkan diri meneruskan langkah. Sampai di lobi, dia bersyukur kerana ada seorang ibu dan anaknya sedang duduk di kerusi panjang menanti lif. Dia segera mengambil tempat dan melepaskan lelah.

Selang beberapa minit, lif yang dinanti masih belum turun. Takkan rosak kot, getus hatinya. Jam menginjak ke angka 12. Butang naik masih menyala. Si ibu dan anak di sebelah juga masih tekun menunggu. Dia buang pandang ke skrin yang terpasang di atas pintu lif yang memaparkan rakaman dari CCTV yang dipasang dalam lif di semua blok. Ada lif di blok lain yang masih ada penumpang yang turun naik. Dia mengeluh melihatkan lifnya yang entah kenapa masih belum turun.

Seketika salah satu CCTV menunjukkan sebuah lif di bloknya terbuka di tingkat atas sekali. Sepasang suami isteri dan anak kecil mereka kelihatan melangkah masuk dengan membawa beg pakaian. Lif tertutup dan mula bergerak ke bawah. Hatinya lega. Takde orang yang naik kot sebab tu lif tak turun, agaknya di dalam hati.

Tiba-tiba skrin terpadam seketika. Dia tidak ambil peduli kerana itu perkara biasa. Angka lif menunjukkan ia berhenti seketika di sebuah tingkat tanda ada penumpang naik. Kemudian skrin menyala semula seperti biasa.

Saat itu jantungnya berdegup laju. Betul-betul di penjuru lif itu ada sesuatu yang berbaju putih dan rambut menutupi wajah sedang berdiri namun seolahnya tak disedari oleh si suami isteri dan anak mereka. Dia semakin berdebar apabila lif semakin sampai ke lobi.

Pintu lif terbuka. Suami isteri itu keluar tanpa menyedari apa-apa. Si isteri duduk sebentar di kerusi dengan anaknya yang sedang tidur sambil si suami pergi mengeluarkan kereta untuk dipandu ke lobi. Dia pula masih teragak-agak sama ada mahu naik lif tadi atau tidak.

" Baru balik kerja ke? Lambatnya," tegur si isteri. Dia terkejut namun lekas bertenang.

" Oh, haah. Kena overtime tadi. Akak nak balik kampung ke malam-malam ni?" balasnya semula. Lif tadi masih kekal di aras lobi.

" Aah, tapi dik ni dah nak Subuh pun," Suara wanita itu mula bergetar. Dia telan liur. Jam sudah menunjukkan 5.15 pagi.

" Takpelah kak saya naik dulu," Dia menekan butang naik lantas pintu lif terbuka.

" Akak tak nak naik sekali?"
" Eh, akak tunggu suami akak ambik kereta,"
" Tak, maksud saya akak yang..." Lidahnya kelu saat menyedari sesuatu. Si isteri segera melangkah laju ke arah suaminya sebaik sahaja keretanya sampai. Jelas wajahnya ketakutan saat dia bangun dari duduknya.

Cepat-cepat dia menekan butang menutup pintu lif. Sebaik sahaja lif sampai ke destinasi, pantas dia berlari ke rumah kerana terdengar suara halus ketawa saat pintu lif terbuka.

Sewaktu dia tiba di rumah, dia sudah tidak peduli akan bebelan ibunya yang risau menanti kerana yang paling utama ketika ini ialah tidur setelah keletihan menunggu lif lima jam. Esok sahaja dia akan cerita apa yang terjadi.

Saturday, October 1, 2016

The Sweet Two Months

When I learned the fact that I had to extend another two months, I thought it would be long enough for me to cherish every moment left, so that when it has come to an end, I would be able to left the nostalgic place with a smile.

But when the day came, I realized that I was wrong. My heart felt empty all of sudden. It was heavy seeing the cubicles that we used for the past two months empty and seeing the DSC room which we officially called it our office quiet without our laugh and chattering. Sadness and emptiness quickly filled me when I had to left without being able to greet some of us for the last time.

To eleven girls that have been there by my side for the past two months, thank you so much. Words can't describe how much I am thankful to you girls.
Thank you for being there, for lending your ears, opinions and time whenever we had something to spill. 
Thank you for seeing the good in me. Thank you for greeting me with smile every morning because I couldn't stay in hostel due to some reasons. 
Thank you for laughing at my jokes. 
Thank you for assisting me whenever I had trouble doing treatment.
Thank you for saying 'rindu kakpah' and sorry for not confessing that deep inside I miss all of you so much too.


Thank you for everything.


I'm gonna miss all of you after this. I would miss everyone and their unique characters. No one can replace them in my heart because they have a special place in my heart.

That day might be our farewell, but there's no such thing in a true friendship because however it is we're gonna make it until forever.